Bush Calls For Panic

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WASHINGTON—In a nationally televised address to the American
people Wednesday night, President Bush called upon every man, woman,
and child to spiral uncontrollably downward into complete and utter
panic.

"My fellow Americans, the time for running aimlessly through streets
while shrieking and waving our arms above our heads is now," Bush said.
"I understand that many of you are worried about your economic future
and our situation overseas, and you have every right to be. Yet there
is only one thing we as a nation can do in times like these: give up
all hope and devolve into a lawless, post-apocalyptic,
every-man-for-himself society."